#1 A fresh start

dew1I started this blog early June of this year (2012). I was pretty determined to make it high priority in my life, because I felt a strong urge to share my story with the world. I wrote couple of posts, and I was energized.

But within days of the publication of my first text, something extraordinary happened, which changed my focus entirely. Through the actions of some (up to that point) totally foreign people, I was hit by a harsh reality that my situation with the same-sex attraction had been far from firmly established, properly assessed and satisfyingly resolved. I suddenly became painfully aware that I actually have very little to say about my homosexual inclinations and very much to learn.

An incompetent husband or worse

Let me be clear. I married in the temple more than a decade ago and I have three kids. I’m a convert to the LDS church who got baptized at the age of 29, long after realizing that I have zero attraction to girls, but also after I realized that a homosexual relationship is probably not in the cards for me. I have never been in a homosexual relationship nor have I ever cheated on my wife either with a man or with a woman.

What I did recognize during the summer of 2012 is how incompetent or perhaps even flat out awful a husband I had been to my wife. I had been hurting her without being aware of it. And the key reason for that was I didn’t face all the consequences of my feelings. I buried my same-sex attraction deep into the bowels of my subconsciousness, where it slowly simmered and putrefied into a gruesome mix of emotions which every once in a while spurted out into the daylight, hurting my marriage.

Thankfully, with that realization came a strength and resolution to tackle the issue head-on. Not only I became determined to put things in their proper places. I was immensely blessed that my wife was inspired to do the same. What was originally one of the greatest crises of our marriage, turned out to be the greatest opportunity to gain happiness, understanding and mutual respect. We were wise enough to take advantage of that opportunity.

By blogging here, I will offer you an insight into what actually happened.

Before I close, I would like to mention that I removed blog posts that I published here in June, because I wanted to make a fresh start for myself. That does not mean that I’m abandoning them or renouncing what I wrote. I will publish them some time in the future, when time comes, within a proper context. So please, bear with me. Thank you.


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