#3 A little bit of a background information before I proceed with adulation

handsDear reader, you probably won’t be able to understand my adulation of Josh Weed (which, by the way haven’t come out full force but will in the upcoming posts) unless I give you a little bit of background information. I have lived and am still living in a former communist country in Europe. I have never lived in any other place. My teenage years were during the decade of 1980s. I used to be a staunch atheist just as my parents have been. My atheism gradually melted away in my early 20s and the process was completed when I became a member of the Mormon church.

When I was 16, I unexpectedly had a crush on one of my best male friends. That was a seminal event in my life. The reality of utter lack of the opposite-sex attraction hit me at about the same time. In a brief period during my first crush ever, I was seriously contemplating suicide. Thankfully, that didn’t last long. Early on, I realized that I should not play the game of refusal to acknowledge my same-sex attraction, because that’s way too dangerous.

A miracle of it’s own

Then I tried to pursue a gay relationship, but I kept having crushes on the wrong guys. I would always, uniformly keep falling in love with straight males. To some of them, I conveyed my feelings and they would politely and appropriately decline me, while being kind, understanding, healthily curious or even brotherly compassionate. I consider their treatment of me in my vulnerable situation a miracle of it’s own.

After a string of failures in my attempts to find a boyfriend, and as my atheism started to crumble while I began to discover spiritual worlds around me and within me, I was slowly but surely getting to a realization that a gay relationship may not necessarily be the best suit for me…

So, I tried to date girls which has proven equally unsuccessful. I simply did not have a clue what to do with them. Oh, how often I wished I lived in India, so that my marriage had been prearranged while I was still a kid! 🙂

Not until I joined the church did I achieve any measure of success in dating. Part of that measure has turned out to be my wife. I’m keep asking myself if I am the same measure to her. She says I am, but she probably wouldn’t say that all along our marriage. I’ll soon explain why.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Eric
    Nov 24, 2012 @ 07:47:07

    dude, your crush on Josh Weed is glaringly obvious. It’s okay though but probably going to be unrequited. What kind of performance does your wife have to put on to put him out of your mind?


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