#6 A train of thought ran over my marriage but thankfully didn’t crush it

trainJosh Weed’s coming out post had a profound effect on me on several fronts. As I’ve learned a few important things from Josh’s experience with mixed-orientation marriages like the one I was in, it changed both my heart and the perception of myself in rather dramatic ways. It felt as if a huge burden fell off my chest. I realized I could live a fulfilling and happy life even if a strong attraction towards other men remains with me for the rest of my days. Before, I would have never thought that to be possible.

However, I also became cognizant of the fact that my wife needs to get considerably more acquainted with how I experience emotions. And that, I thought, wouldn’t be an easy task. After all, straight people like her never think deep about nor question their sexuality the way homosexuals do. So, I thought, many of the concepts related to attraction and sexuality that I face every day would be new and strange and difficult to grasp from her viewpoint.

And I was right.

A shocking, stunning revelation

When I came out to my wife, five years earlier, she thought that my homosexual inclination was a passing episode in my life. So, when the reality of Josh Weed’s coming out post hit me and started to literally change my countenance, my wife was clearly able to perceive the change but couldn’t possibly figure out what was going on with me. She did ask me about the change, but when I briefly told her that it was “that Josh Weed blog” that influenced me greatly, she didn’t take it seriously and didn’t bother to look into it at once.

Her lack of interest could also be explained by the fact that she was in the last stage of pregnancy and was about to give birth to our third child. Once she gave birth to a healthy baby, she finally managed to find some time to look into Josh’s blog. What she found there was a shocking, stunning revelation.

After Josh posted his seminal coming out post, I became a regular visitor and commenter. I would make long, elaborate, intimate observations through which I would share the innermost feelings of my heart. I have never been as open and as sincere about my same-sex attraction as I was in the comments section of Josh Weed’s blog. I commented under the “FG Mormon” pseudonym, which made my passionate and rather frequent comments recognizable.

So, when my wife took the opportunity to read through the blog and the comments, she was able to get a deep insight  into my soul. There was nothing inappropriate in my experiences that I’ve shared there. As I mentioned in my earlier texts, I never cheated on my wife or had a desire to abandon her. I had never been in a gay relationship before our marriage. The mere train of thought of a guy with same-sex attraction was a totally new thing for her, and thus awkward, strange and hard to believe.

Everything that she knew about me was put to the test. She didn’t know what to believe about me and whether to really trust me or not. That was definitely one of the greatest crises in our marriage. But it wasn’t a bitter crisis. It was a sweet one, in a sense that we both realized a huge opportunity for growth. We knew that if we approached this crisis with an open heart, with a desire to understand each other, with the determination to resolve any issue that pops up along the way, we can be blessed immeasurably.

And we did exactly that.

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