#7 Tough questions have opened a whole new chapter in my marital relationship

coupleAfter my wife realized that my same-sex attraction isn’t just a passing episode, but a living, breathing issue which hassles me pretty much every single day, she started to vet me mercilessly. She wanted to know what are the attractions that I have or don’t have, how I perceived my relationship with her, have I ever had a crush on her or been in love with her… Those were interesting and intriguing questions from a girl to whom I was married for a whole decade. It wasn’t that we haven’t talked about very intimate things during our marriage, but newly revealed aspects of my same-sex attraction shed an entirely new light to everything we thought to be unquestionable in our lives.

She asked me many tough questions, but I didn’t mind. I actually enjoyed it, because, ever since she asked me whether I had homosexual inclinations five years earlier, I actually wanted to start a conversation with her, but that never happened. I wasn’t determined enough to bring it up as a topic in our conversations and she wasn’t interested enough to talk about it, because she thought it was a non-issue.

Was all this fakery and deceit?

The most important questions that we both struggled to get the answer to – but neither of us asked it directly and straightforwardly – was how on earth our marriage happened to function rather decently for so many years, how come we were able to raise our kids and often be happy, and where the demonstrable satisfaction with our sexual life was coming from? Was it all just plain and simple fakery and deceit?

I couldn’t say that our marriage was bad, neither could she. Yes, it could have been better, for sure, but compared to many – if not most – marriages around, it was clear that there was something definitely good there.

I have never had an inclination or a desire to cheat on my wife, either with a man or a woman. We were sealed in the temple and I love the gospel. However, to overlook something as huge and as constant as my same-sex attraction was an omission of great magnitude. And that’s what bothered my wife immensely.

She was concerned and suspicious, and justifiably so. Is there anything else in her husband’s life that is as huge, of which she doesn’t know anything about?

Fortunately, I stood the test of my wife’s merciless vetting. I was able to answer all the difficult questions with honesty and integrity. My wife soon realized that my same-sex attraction is the last “secret” that held me back from being totally open with her. And that opened a whole new chapter in our marital relationship.


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