#11 Only gays question why the water is wet and the sky is blue

water-skyStraight people almost universally take their sexuality for granted. “Why?” is not a question that comes to mind when they experience arousal. (If it did, that might even turn them off.) They don’t have the slightest reason to make such unreasonable inquiries. Why is the water wet and the sky is blue? Who cares, let’s enjoy it!

The philosophical questions about sexual pleasure  are more like a venereal disease. No one thinks of it unless he or she gets into contact with someone who struggles, wrestles or simply faces same-sex attraction. But even that isn’t enough. One needs to love and care for that person. Without caring for them, the fact and the reality of their situation is clouded by emotion of prejudice or lack of information which does not entice a straight person to ask any questions – only to judge, and harshly. The why of same-sex attraction is a tough question to ask of anybody, and especially oneself.

And that’s unfortunate. The answer to it can become one of the most beautiful, wholesome and deeply fulfilling thing that anyone can learn. After all, sexual excitement is one of the most potent and desired emotions. It would be much easier to properly utilize it and to take advantage of it if we would only be just a little bit more knowledgeable about its meaning and its purpose. That’s why I believe gay people have a certain advantage over their straight counterparts. If they choose to do so, they can more consciously and responsibly steer their sexuality in a proper direction. The slight problem is that it typically takes two to steer it.

So many better things in store

I didn’t tell my wife before our wedding that I struggle with same-sex attraction. She was faced with the reality of it a full decade into our marriage, and only then because I became painfully aware that unless we got to the bottom of the issue, we would never be able to progress with our relationship.  I did not have any intention to hurt her or let her down or abandon her for a boyfriend. Far from it. There was no reason for that. I was determined to continue in my commitment to her. I wasn’t unhappy with my marriage, I just felt that there are so many better things in store for us if I became fully open with her.

We have three beautiful children. I didn’t want to tell her about my attractions because I had a crush on a guy. It was just that I wanted to make her fully cognizant of how I feel completely upside down every single day of my life in relation to conventional societal expectations. And that realization, that simple recognition of a fact of my life, caused in her – a straight woman – an incredible, stunning shock.

She couldn’t believe her eyes and ears. It felt as if she was in a twilight zone. (Well, ma’am, welcome to the club. That’s how I feel pretty much all the time.) She couldn’t help but to question everything she knew about us and our marriage. We had a very rough couple of weeks. (Boys and girls, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, don’t hesitate to take as many days off as necessary to sort things out. You will need it and will thank God for the rest of your lives that you did have the courage and the opportunity to do it.)

Wrapping her head around the concept

But the most important thing that got us out of the crisis was our persistence to get to the very bottom of the issue. My wife wanted to understand. Her shock was caused not so much by the realization that I have “homosexual inclinations”. Instead, she was simply initially unable to wrap her head around the concept of same-sex attraction. “How could that be?” “Is he making stuff up?” “Is there anything behind that and what is it?”

And the most important question: “Why?”

My wife gave me an interesting insight into how she felt when she was hit by the reality of my attractions. It is not that she just questioned my sincerity and authenticity. She was troubled with herself. “How come I didn’t realize it earlier? Is there something wrong with me?”

If a gay person in what is called a “mixed-orientation marriage” wants to continue his relationship with the spouse of the opposite sex – with a necessary prospect of making it even better – he or she must be prepared to be mercilessly scrutinized by the spouse. And he or she must respond to the spouse’s vetting with integrity, determination, frankness and love.

It took my wife and me a couple of months of intensive interaction to fully grasp our situation and to make a reconciliation. We are now in a better place than ever before. We enjoy our relationship like never before. I’m sure we still have some rough edges to polish, but that’s nothing to worry about.

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