#14 I’m a gay man, married to an exceptional woman. And you know what? I don’t want to be straight!

leaning-towerI hate when I reveal the key premise of a blog post in the title. I usually don’t do it, because why on earth would anyone want to read the rest of the text? I’d rather pick an obscure, bombastic line from the bowels of the post that has little – if anything – to do with the actual theme. That’s how freaking journalists crank up headlines, and I’m a journalist by education and vocation (for which I deeply apologize).

Well, this time I had to break journalistic rules. I ought to have revealed everything in the title of this piece, because I couldn’t find anything else as flashy.

So, yes. As you got it from the title already, I’m a gay Mormon guy. I am as gay as drinking milk in a cowboy bar. I’m married to an exceptional woman to whom I am completely faithful and devoted. I also have three beautiful kids. And I don’t like the idea of being straight.

The mechanics weren’t an issue

I wonder how my life would look if I were to suddenly wake up in the morning and realize that my sexual attraction towards males was gone, and replaced by just as strong an attraction towards females? That would be a complete mess. I am a bit scared even to think about it. But on the other hand, I’m so utterly unconcerned because it’s not gonna happen. People just do not wake up in the morning with their sexual orientation changed, thank you very much.

If it did happen, it could cause a few terrible problems for me. Frankly, when I married my wife, I wasn’t attracted to her. I only hoped for the attraction. Someday. If you asked me how I performed as a husband during our early days, I would honestly answer, “I don’t know.” It was beyond my comprehension. I didn’t think about it. I just did whatever I did, and it worked. For those who believe in God, it was God’s miracle. And my wife was happy. And I wasn’t unhappy. And we had some kids. So, the mechanics weren’t an issue. The issue was something else.

It was a connection on a deeper level. That was something that I didn’t have with my wife immediately after our wedding, and that was troublesome. My wife, on the other hand, assumed that such connection does exist and she freely acted upon that assumption. And when she would be regularly let down by me, she would be shocked and hurt, because she thought: “Don’t we love each other? We are a newly married couple, aren’t we?”

“Ma’am, only half of your assumption is correct,” I could have answered to her if I had been aware of her questions. “We are indeed married, but I’m yet to get to love you the way you would like me to.”

Two unaddressed issues

It is not that my love for her did not develop over time. Actually, I was able to see her love for me and the devotion and sacrifice she was making, and that caused a feeling of deep respect for her. That soon turned into a special kind of love which I believe is more mature. However, there were two particular unaddressed issues with our connection that would be resolved only a decade later.

First is that my wife – as she came to the realization that I am not infatuated with her – closed a portion of her heart off from me. She decided not to give herself to me completely, because it was too hurtful. She instinctively knew that I wasn’t giving myself to her completely, so she reasoned: “Why would I be a giving fool?”

I don’t blame her. She couldn’t have known that the reason why I was withholding myself from her wasn’t because I wanted to but because I was completely clueless on how to actually not withhold myself from her. Which brings us to the second issue. I’m a gay, you know, so I knew about being passionate with girls just as much my straight fellow men know about being passionate with boys.

I kept trying. But I have always been as clumsy as an elephant in a china shop, because I was trying to do emotional things from the head through logic and reason, and not from the gut through passion and desire.

I was hurting my wife, and I was in return hurting myself. I couldn’t possibly fathom what was the problem, until through providence and Josh Weed I realized the solution to my problem. Without outside help, it would have probably taken much more time for me to figure it out. If ever.

The solution was to make my wife fully aware of my same-sex attraction and the full range of its consequences upon my emotional universe.

Giving one to another

It was a tough ride, and I’ve already blogged about it. But the end result was extraordinary. For some currently incomprehensible reason, my open and frank discussion of my same-sex attraction, crushes on males, etc. has brought my wife and me closer together than anything else. She now understands the reasons why I hadn’t given myself completely to her. She knows that as I talk of my emotional experiences with guys, I am actually giving myself to her. Completely. So in return she became willing to give herself to me. Completely. And that’s how we resolved the earlier unaddressed issues of our intimate connection.

So, you can imagine why I wouldn’t want to wake up one day and realize that I was straight. First, I would feel betrayed by God. I invested emotions and the effort into becoming as close to my wife as I am today. We have a very special and very unique intimate relationship. We can tell everything we feel, and we can understand each other. She is my best friend.

It would be a pointless journey

Sure, to get where we are today, we had to endure a tough ride. But besides being tough, it was also great. A bit crazy, totally unusual, and uniquely ours. I’ve learned a lot about myself and the universe around me along the way. So if I suddenly became straight, my journey with my wife might seem pointless. I would suddenly realize that all that tough ride could have been avoided if I only waited for that morning to wake up straight. And I would be disappointed.

Then, it is possible that I would be beguiled by the new opportunity. After building a relationship with my wife that is based on a firmer ground than just plain physical attraction, if I suddenly woke up straight, I might find myself fooled into believing that some other woman, and probably younger, could be a better mate for me. I would hope that I’d be blessed with a crush on the first woman that I’d see after I woke up: my wife who’d be sleeping next to me.

I think it is much easier to remain faithful to a woman if you are a gay man. I don’t have to worry about having crushes on other girls. Also, the majority of guys are straight, and thus they pose no threat to my marriage where my same-sex attraction is concerned. See, sheer numbers work against me. If I suddenly woke up as a straight guy, the numbers would change. And then, who knows if I would be able to endure the temptation of a greater number?

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Tammy
    Dec 05, 2012 @ 02:39:08

    This is a great post and I think fills a critical “missing piece” of your story for me. I can see where having the elephant in the room finally revealed and discussed would be a huge weight off of you both. I don’t agree, though, that you would have trouble if you woke up straight because your blogs are highlighting the fact that you are now intimately bonded with your wife because of this experience, so your sexual orientation wouldn’t matter one way or the other.

    P.S. I wouldn’t want to be straight either. 😉

    Reply

  2. mrsfgmormon
    Dec 06, 2012 @ 02:02:06

    You’re so special Tammy! Thank you very much for taking the time to read this blog. It means a lot to me and my husband as well!

    Reply

  3. Will
    Dec 12, 2012 @ 08:25:15

    I read this post a few days ago. I was sitting in my living room, this afternoon, just returned from work, and covered by kids, I suddenly burst out laughing. Out of no where the illustration from this article came into mind and I got it. Thanks for the humor.

    As for the topic and thoughts you conveyed, I completely agree. I’m finally enjoying this. The thought of going straight some day terrifies me.

    Reply

  4. mormonandgay
    Feb 17, 2013 @ 20:30:01

    I just found your blog and I am really enjoying it. I like this post so much, mostly because I have spent my life hoping that I would be straight some day and that while the change would take a long time (if it came at all) it would be all I needed.

    But I have been slowly realizing that for now, I need this trial. I have learned so much through it and become so close to my Heavenly Father that I would probably be lost without. Thanks for putting into words something that I couldn’t!

    Reply

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