#22 Have I really overcome my same-sex attraction to the point of no return to an alternative gay lifestyle?

knotI’m sorry guys. I can’t help myself but to feel very invigorated, excited, animated, stirred, stimulated with my same-sex attraction. I like to write for my blog very much. I’m so into it that someone can become suspicious, particularly my wife. “Has he really overcome it to the point where he would never reconsider his decision to pursue a mixed-orientation marriage gay lifestyle?”

An interesting question. Well, I hope you won’t get me wrong if I say that I keep reconsidering it every single day. Sometimes even more than once. This is to be expected. Why? Because I keep experiencing same-sex attraction every single day.

However, I do my every day (re)considerations in a particular way. In times without distress, I keep finding good reasons why I should remain in a mixed-orientation relationship and I piling them up at one place. I also keep finding reasons why I should not pursue a homosexual relationship and piling them up nearby. And finally, every once in a while – as I am hit by a powerful crush on a guy or any other adversary – I ask myself a simple question: “Do I really want to start pursuing my homosexual desires by starting a hard work of unhoarding all those reasons?” Since I am a terribly lazy person, my answer is resounding “No!”.

Supporting “evidence”

I think that’s a good strategy on more than one account. First of all, I believe that there are a lot of reasons out there why would I want to remain in a heterosexual relationship, particularly in the one with my exceptional wife. There are also a lot of reasons why would I want not to pursue a homosexual relationship. So, I believe it is fairly easy to make a big hoard.

I also kind of suspect that for majority of people with same sex-attraction, stacking reasons my way is easier than the other way around. That is: it is less easy to find good reasons to remain in or pursue a homosexual relationship and hoard them. It is also less easy to find good reasons not to pursue a mixed-orientation  relationship or celibacy and also hoard them, because I simply find less such good reasons out there.

Now, let me give you few supporting “evidence” for such a notion. (I put the word in quotation marks because I do not believe that there is such thing as evidence in the realm of human behavior. Each of us is entirely unique and special entity incomparable to anyone else, and we are essentially driven by faith and not by evidence. I’m giving my “evidence” only as a means of opening a discussion.)

Life undone

First, there is a whole set of reasons for heterosexual and against homosexual lifestyle in the realm of religion. I used to be a staunch atheist, and my journey away from atheism towards belief in the Supreme Being was about a decade long and very well grounded. So, it would take me a whole lot of digging and undoing in order to abandon it.

Then, my family. I just barely got my third child, and she is, hmm (how shall put it?), so sweet that I have a reverse diabetes and I can’t stand a moment without her. Of course there are other two of my kids that are just as adorable, although they are now at soon-to-be-teen age, so they do not let me pamper them as much as they used to. For that reason I am focusing back on my wife. And having that focus is sweet and healthy thing to have.

There is also always that issue of going through the undoing one’s life, and redoing it again. Even there weren’t any of aforementioned reasons, I would still have a great deal of apprehension with leaving my wife and my family. To succeed in life, one doesn’t quit, one keeps walking, one keeps trying. When I look back, precisely the perseverance was the key factor in my every achievement of happiness.

Irreparable damage

Now, a question may arise. Why would anyone want to unhoard his reasons for what he does in his life before making a significant, life altering change? Why wouldn’t he simply throw away everything at one big fell swoop and start from scratch?

Oh, yes. People do that. And by doing it, they damage not just lives around them but also their own life, often irreparably. Yes, we are all imperfect and fallible. But to say in words and deeds that there has never been anything worthwhile in our lives no matter how huge blunder we might have made in the beginning is to unequivocally state that we have been all that time the greatest failures that have ever walked upon the face of the earth.

No, I can’t accept that. I believe that to throw away one’s previous life like that is definitely throwing out the baby with the bath water, and huge. And that does not apply only in cases where someone who has been in a mixed-orientation relationship runs away from his spouse, and engages with his gay lover instead. It also applies if someone in a gay relationship decides to change his or her ways and begins to pursue a lifestyle of celibacy and/or mixed-orientation relationship.

If we realize that our life is not based on a firm foundation, we should be fair to our previous commitments and unwind them in a proper and ordinary fashion. I believe that much greater sin upon those who changes their lives dramatically on a whim rather than after a careful deliberation, no matter a direction of the change.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Azalea
    Dec 16, 2012 @ 08:11:31

    Thank you Jan, I needed to read that. I just wrote a post on about the same topic.


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