#17 My emotions make me vulnerable, and that is a birthplace of innovation, creativity and change

dark-cloudsWhen a man becomes aware of his same-sex attraction, it is almost universally a distressing realization. People tend not to like being sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Initially, a gay person can’t believe what is happening to him. As the reality of of the attraction sinks in, the person feels broken or a mistake or a failure, as if he is to blame for the feelings.

That is exactly what happened to me. When I had a first crush ever on my very close male friend at the age of 16, I was at first resolutely unwilling to admit that I indeed had a crush on a guy. At one point, I had a strong emotion of being in love, but because of a denial, I didn’t know towards whom I felt it. So, in a brief moment, I had a feeling at hand but I wasn’t able to locate a person that caused it. It was definitely the most surreal experience of my entire life. More

#10 Coming out to my best buddies has been nothing short of a miracle

young-manRecently, I read a tender account of a very deep and utterly appropriate friendship between two young men. They treat each other with utmost kindness, respect and appreciation. They know everything about each other. One of them is gay (but is not and has never been in a same-sex relationship) and the other is straight. The young man with the same-sex attraction treats his straight friend with impeccable propriety. And the straight young man, although knowing about his friend’s struggles, never judges him or pushes him away. To the contrary, he considers his gay friend an angel and that helps him carry through this mortal probation with dignity.

The cynical world we live in may say that such friendships exist only in crooked fairy tales. I could have also found it impossible to believe if I hadn’t had a similar deep and meaningful bond with a group of friends during my high-school years. More

#7 Tough questions have opened a whole new chapter in my marital relationship

coupleAfter my wife realized that my same-sex attraction isn’t just a passing episode, but a living, breathing issue which hassles me pretty much every single day, she started to vet me mercilessly. She wanted to know what are the attractions that I have or don’t have, how I perceived my relationship with her, have I ever had a crush on her or been in love with her… Those were interesting and intriguing questions from a girl to whom I was married for a whole decade. It wasn’t that we haven’t talked about very intimate things during our marriage, but newly revealed aspects of my same-sex attraction shed an entirely new light to everything we thought to be unquestionable in our lives.

She asked me many tough questions, but I didn’t mind. I actually enjoyed it, because, ever since she asked me whether I had homosexual inclinations five years earlier, I actually wanted to start a conversation with her, but that never happened. I wasn’t determined enough to bring it up as a topic in our conversations and she wasn’t interested enough to talk about it, because she thought it was a non-issue. More

#6 A train of thought ran over my marriage but thankfully didn’t crush it

trainJosh Weed’s coming out post had a profound effect on me on several fronts. As I’ve learned a few important things from Josh’s experience with mixed-orientation marriages like the one I was in, it changed both my heart and the perception of myself in rather dramatic ways. It felt as if a huge burden fell off my chest. I realized I could live a fulfilling and happy life even if a strong attraction towards other men remains with me for the rest of my days. Before, I would have never thought that to be possible.

However, I also became cognizant of the fact that my wife needs to get considerably more acquainted with how I experience emotions. And that, I thought, wouldn’t be an easy task. After all, straight people like her never think deep about nor question their sexuality the way homosexuals do. So, I thought, many of the concepts related to attraction and sexuality that I face every day would be new and strange and difficult to grasp from her viewpoint.

And I was right. More

#5 What I have learned from Josh Weed’s Unicorn post

unicornEarly June of this year (2012) was a particularly eventful month. My wife was in the final stages of pregnancy and was about to give birth to our third child. As June was unfolding, I kept receiving promptings that I should start sharing my experience with same-sex attraction on this blog. After writing a couple of posts – which I recently temporarily removed, so that they are published again in the future within a proper context – I ran into Josh Weed’s coming out post titled “Club Unicorn: In which I come out of the closet on our ten year anniversary”.

Reading Josh’s post turned out to be a life changing event for me. It pulled my emotions out of the ground where they had been buried for more than a decade. Through the example of Josh and Lolly I finally got some of the most important answers to the issues of my marriage. More

#4 I thought I was relating to my wife like any straight guy and I was wrong

weddingAt the time of our wedding, I didn’t tell my wife that I was gay. I know, I know, that’s unfair towards her, you’d say. But, please, don’t judge me too harshly, because at the time I didn’t know any better.

Prospects of finding a faithful Latter-day Saint woman in the area of my residence were – and still are – flat out horrible. Members are very few and far between. The cultural sentiment towards dating – and even more so towards marriage – is very negative among the general public, and that spills over into the local church. (That’s why we shed population like there’s no tomorrow: if the trend continues, there won’t be a single person living in my country in less than 200 years.) So, revelation of my same-sex attraction to my future spouse could have had a devastating effect on our relationship and future. Or so I thought. More

#3 A little bit of a background information before I proceed with adulation

handsDear reader, you probably won’t be able to understand my adulation of Josh Weed (which, by the way haven’t come out full force but will in the upcoming posts) unless I give you a little bit of background information. I have lived and am still living in a former communist country in Europe. I have never lived in any other place. My teenage years were during the decade of 1980s. I used to be a staunch atheist just as my parents have been. My atheism gradually melted away in my early 20s and the process was completed when I became a member of the Mormon church.

When I was 16, I unexpectedly had a crush on one of my best male friends. That was a seminal event in my life. The reality of utter lack of the opposite-sex attraction hit me at about the same time. In a brief period during my first crush ever, I was seriously contemplating suicide. Thankfully, that didn’t last long. Early on, I realized that I should not play the game of refusal to acknowledge my same-sex attraction, because that’s way too dangerous. More

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