#22 Have I really overcome my same-sex attraction to the point of no return to an alternative gay lifestyle?

knotI’m sorry guys. I can’t help myself but to feel very invigorated, excited, animated, stirred, stimulated with my same-sex attraction. I like to write for my blog very much. I’m so into it that someone can become suspicious, particularly my wife. “Has he really overcome it to the point where he would never reconsider his decision to pursue a mixed-orientation marriage gay lifestyle?”

An interesting question. Well, I hope you won’t get me wrong if I say that I keep reconsidering it every single day. Sometimes even more than once. This is to be expected. Why? Because I keep experiencing same-sex attraction every single day.

However, I do my every day (re)considerations in a particular way. In times without distress, I keep finding good reasons why I should remain in a mixed-orientation relationship and I piling them up at one place. I also keep finding reasons why I should not pursue a homosexual relationship and piling them up nearby. And finally, every once in a while – as I am hit by a powerful crush on a guy or any other adversary – I ask myself a simple question: “Do I really want to start pursuing my homosexual desires by starting a hard work of unhoarding all those reasons?” Since I am a terribly lazy person, my answer is resounding “No!”. More

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#20 My wife and I organized an SSA conference for ourselves after midnight, as vampires awake

babyThere is no such thing as same-sex attraction conference on faith – like the one organized by AMCAP in Salt Lake City couple of weeks ago – within a parameter of about six thousand miles from where I live. So, I had to organize one by myself, which I did yesterday, at and around midnight. My wife and I are typically not in a mood to discuss issues of life until vampires wake up, and then it takes us greater part of the night to make some meaningful conclusions.

The conference attendance was meager, there was only two of us and our newborn who found it so boring that she overslept the entire event. It was obvious that the conference was necessary, since some tensions in our relationship have been building up in the past couple of weeks, nothing seemingly serious, but inconvenient enough not pass it by.

The main issue was whether I have started to close myself – again – towards my wife in an attempt to process my same-sex attraction all by myself. The theme of our little conference was very proper, I thought, because it was pretty much exactly what I was doing. More

#14 I’m a gay man, married to an exceptional woman. And you know what? I don’t want to be straight!

leaning-towerI hate when I reveal the key premise of a blog post in the title. I usually don’t do it, because why on earth would anyone want to read the rest of the text? I’d rather pick an obscure, bombastic line from the bowels of the post that has little – if anything – to do with the actual theme. That’s how freaking journalists crank up headlines, and I’m a journalist by education and vocation (for which I deeply apologize).

Well, this time I had to break journalistic rules. I ought to have revealed everything in the title of this piece, because I couldn’t find anything else as flashy.

So, yes. As you got it from the title already, I’m a gay Mormon guy. I am as gay as drinking milk in a cowboy bar. I’m married to an exceptional woman to whom I am completely faithful and devoted. I also have three beautiful kids. And I don’t like the idea of being straight. More

#11 Only gays question why the water is wet and the sky is blue

water-skyStraight people almost universally take their sexuality for granted. “Why?” is not a question that comes to mind when they experience arousal. (If it did, that might even turn them off.) They don’t have the slightest reason to make such unreasonable inquiries. Why is the water wet and the sky is blue? Who cares, let’s enjoy it!

The philosophical questions about sexual pleasure  are more like a venereal disease. No one thinks of it unless he or she gets into contact with someone who struggles, wrestles or simply faces same-sex attraction. But even that isn’t enough. One needs to love and care for that person. Without caring for them, the fact and the reality of their situation is clouded by emotion of prejudice or lack of information which does not entice a straight person to ask any questions – only to judge, and harshly. The why of same-sex attraction is a tough question to ask of anybody, and especially oneself. More

#9 “Darling, you have a crush on Elder X”

missionariesThere are many things from my past – tiny little stories of hope, faith and same-sex attraction – that I would like to and will share with you. But not all good things happened to me in former times. Since my wife and I turned a new, exciting page in our marital relationship by me becoming totally open about my unusual emotions and her becoming totally accepting of them, we’ve experienced some precious little blessings in a moment that are just as worthy of sharing.

Through those experiences, I think, you will be able to obtain a better glimpse of how our exquisite relationship works. More

#7 Tough questions have opened a whole new chapter in my marital relationship

coupleAfter my wife realized that my same-sex attraction isn’t just a passing episode, but a living, breathing issue which hassles me pretty much every single day, she started to vet me mercilessly. She wanted to know what are the attractions that I have or don’t have, how I perceived my relationship with her, have I ever had a crush on her or been in love with her… Those were interesting and intriguing questions from a girl to whom I was married for a whole decade. It wasn’t that we haven’t talked about very intimate things during our marriage, but newly revealed aspects of my same-sex attraction shed an entirely new light to everything we thought to be unquestionable in our lives.

She asked me many tough questions, but I didn’t mind. I actually enjoyed it, because, ever since she asked me whether I had homosexual inclinations five years earlier, I actually wanted to start a conversation with her, but that never happened. I wasn’t determined enough to bring it up as a topic in our conversations and she wasn’t interested enough to talk about it, because she thought it was a non-issue. More

#6 A train of thought ran over my marriage but thankfully didn’t crush it

trainJosh Weed’s coming out post had a profound effect on me on several fronts. As I’ve learned a few important things from Josh’s experience with mixed-orientation marriages like the one I was in, it changed both my heart and the perception of myself in rather dramatic ways. It felt as if a huge burden fell off my chest. I realized I could live a fulfilling and happy life even if a strong attraction towards other men remains with me for the rest of my days. Before, I would have never thought that to be possible.

However, I also became cognizant of the fact that my wife needs to get considerably more acquainted with how I experience emotions. And that, I thought, wouldn’t be an easy task. After all, straight people like her never think deep about nor question their sexuality the way homosexuals do. So, I thought, many of the concepts related to attraction and sexuality that I face every day would be new and strange and difficult to grasp from her viewpoint.

And I was right. More

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