#20 My wife and I organized an SSA conference for ourselves after midnight, as vampires awake

babyThere is no such thing as same-sex attraction conference on faith – like the one organized by AMCAP in Salt Lake City couple of weeks ago – within a parameter of about six thousand miles from where I live. So, I had to organize one by myself, which I did yesterday, at and around midnight. My wife and I are typically not in a mood to discuss issues of life until vampires wake up, and then it takes us greater part of the night to make some meaningful conclusions.

The conference attendance was meager, there was only two of us and our newborn who found it so boring that she overslept the entire event. It was obvious that the conference was necessary, since some tensions in our relationship have been building up in the past couple of weeks, nothing seemingly serious, but inconvenient enough not pass it by.

The main issue was whether I have started to close myself – again – towards my wife in an attempt to process my same-sex attraction all by myself. The theme of our little conference was very proper, I thought, because it was pretty much exactly what I was doing. More


#10 Coming out to my best buddies has been nothing short of a miracle

young-manRecently, I read a tender account of a very deep and utterly appropriate friendship between two young men. They treat each other with utmost kindness, respect and appreciation. They know everything about each other. One of them is gay (but is not and has never been in a same-sex relationship) and the other is straight. The young man with the same-sex attraction treats his straight friend with impeccable propriety. And the straight young man, although knowing about his friend’s struggles, never judges him or pushes him away. To the contrary, he considers his gay friend an angel and that helps him carry through this mortal probation with dignity.

The cynical world we live in may say that such friendships exist only in crooked fairy tales. I could have also found it impossible to believe if I hadn’t had a similar deep and meaningful bond with a group of friends during my high-school years. More

#7 Tough questions have opened a whole new chapter in my marital relationship

coupleAfter my wife realized that my same-sex attraction isn’t just a passing episode, but a living, breathing issue which hassles me pretty much every single day, she started to vet me mercilessly. She wanted to know what are the attractions that I have or don’t have, how I perceived my relationship with her, have I ever had a crush on her or been in love with her… Those were interesting and intriguing questions from a girl to whom I was married for a whole decade. It wasn’t that we haven’t talked about very intimate things during our marriage, but newly revealed aspects of my same-sex attraction shed an entirely new light to everything we thought to be unquestionable in our lives.

She asked me many tough questions, but I didn’t mind. I actually enjoyed it, because, ever since she asked me whether I had homosexual inclinations five years earlier, I actually wanted to start a conversation with her, but that never happened. I wasn’t determined enough to bring it up as a topic in our conversations and she wasn’t interested enough to talk about it, because she thought it was a non-issue. More