#24 “He descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things that he might be in all and through all things”

jesusThroughout my life, up until very recently, I was totally oblivious to meanings of what I now consider two very important words. One is vulnerability. The other is authenticity. I never thought about them as a crucial part of one’s happiness. Frankly, I didn’t think about them at all. They were simply not on my mental and spiritual radar.

That’s probably why I wasn’t as happy as I desired. Yes, I’ve seen the improvement of my happiness over the years. But not until I realized what vulnerability and authenticity are all about I was able to make a substantial leap in the quality of my emotional life.

The fact that I wasn’t able to grasp neither vulnerability nor authenticity stems from the fact that I wasn’t willing to face my same-sex attraction head-on. I swept it under the rug and thought everything is fine. Thankfully, through examples of other faithful gay men, I was able to carefully unpack my emotions and bring them closer to reality.

To call one of those men same-sex attracted many, if not most people would find preposterous. He is Jesus Christ, the Son of God. More

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#20 My wife and I organized an SSA conference for ourselves after midnight, as vampires awake

babyThere is no such thing as same-sex attraction conference on faith – like the one organized by AMCAP in Salt Lake City couple of weeks ago – within a parameter of about six thousand miles from where I live. So, I had to organize one by myself, which I did yesterday, at and around midnight. My wife and I are typically not in a mood to discuss issues of life until vampires wake up, and then it takes us greater part of the night to make some meaningful conclusions.

The conference attendance was meager, there was only two of us and our newborn who found it so boring that she overslept the entire event. It was obvious that the conference was necessary, since some tensions in our relationship have been building up in the past couple of weeks, nothing seemingly serious, but inconvenient enough not pass it by.

The main issue was whether I have started to close myself – again – towards my wife in an attempt to process my same-sex attraction all by myself. The theme of our little conference was very proper, I thought, because it was pretty much exactly what I was doing. More

#19 The topic of my today’s post is rather entertaining, although some people find it deeply disturbing

dreamingI actively participate in an on-line community of members of the Mormon church – both young and old – who strive to be faithful to the Gospel while experiencing same-sex attraction. It is quite a diverse group of people, rather open minded and generally fun to associate with. If you are interested, you can check the requirements for joining the group here.

In the group, we discuss various topics, sometimes more serious, other times less. Although I find the topic of my today’s blog post rather flippant, rest assured that some of my fellow same-sex attracted sojourners consider it deadly serious. What’s the topic? I will be writing today about dreams with the sexual content. More

#18 There is a shift in the attitude towards homosexuals within the Mormon community, but it’s not doctrinal

bird-flyingA few days ago, the LDS church launched a brand new web site “Mormons and Gays”. It is a seminal event in the gay Mormon community. At the time of it’s launch – which was Thursday, December 6th, 2012 – it was my turn to prepare a text and publish it the very next day on the North Star’s Northern Lights blog.

For those who don’t know, North Star is a grassroots organization whose members approach homosexuality from various places, but with one common thread: we want to live our lives in accordance to the teachings of the LDS church. Northern Lights blog is a place where voices of those who agree with the North Star’s mission statement regularly publish their individual views on the issue. More

#17 My emotions make me vulnerable, and that is a birthplace of innovation, creativity and change

dark-cloudsWhen a man becomes aware of his same-sex attraction, it is almost universally a distressing realization. People tend not to like being sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Initially, a gay person can’t believe what is happening to him. As the reality of of the attraction sinks in, the person feels broken or a mistake or a failure, as if he is to blame for the feelings.

That is exactly what happened to me. When I had a first crush ever on my very close male friend at the age of 16, I was at first resolutely unwilling to admit that I indeed had a crush on a guy. At one point, I had a strong emotion of being in love, but because of a denial, I didn’t know towards whom I felt it. So, in a brief moment, I had a feeling at hand but I wasn’t able to locate a person that caused it. It was definitely the most surreal experience of my entire life. More

#16 Unfortunately, my same-sex attraction does not make sense from a narrow, sexual perspective

chairsThere are some facts about my sexuality that I find troubling, but I have to live with it and make sense of it. I find it unfortunate that from a narrow, sexual perspective, my strong homosexual feelings do not make sense. I say “unfortunate” not because I think my feelings should be somehow, by a twist of logic, turned into something sensical, since that’s impossible. Instead, I say “unfortunate” simply because my homosexual feelings are undeniable but at the same time they are from that narrow perspective useless.

That may be one of the reasons why people with same-sex attraction feel broken or like a failure or a mistake. It is all nice and dandy to think about having a boyfriend with whom I could have a deep personal and spiritual bond, but when it comes down to the basic, sexual level, there is no obvious, straightforward purpose in physical intimacy between two men or two women. More

#14 I’m a gay man, married to an exceptional woman. And you know what? I don’t want to be straight!

leaning-towerI hate when I reveal the key premise of a blog post in the title. I usually don’t do it, because why on earth would anyone want to read the rest of the text? I’d rather pick an obscure, bombastic line from the bowels of the post that has little – if anything – to do with the actual theme. That’s how freaking journalists crank up headlines, and I’m a journalist by education and vocation (for which I deeply apologize).

Well, this time I had to break journalistic rules. I ought to have revealed everything in the title of this piece, because I couldn’t find anything else as flashy.

So, yes. As you got it from the title already, I’m a gay Mormon guy. I am as gay as drinking milk in a cowboy bar. I’m married to an exceptional woman to whom I am completely faithful and devoted. I also have three beautiful kids. And I don’t like the idea of being straight. More

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