#24 “He descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things that he might be in all and through all things”

Throughout my life, up until very recently, I was totally oblivious to meanings of what I now consider two very important words. One is vulnerability. The other is authenticity. I never thought about them as a crucial part of one’s happiness. Frankly, I didn’t think about them at all. They were simply not on my mental and spiritual radar.

That’s probably why I wasn’t as happy as I desired. Yes, I’ve seen the improvement of my happiness over the years. But not until I realized what vulnerability and authenticity are all about I was able to make a substantial leap in the quality of my emotional life.

The fact that I wasn’t able to grasp neither vulnerability nor authenticity stems from the fact that I wasn’t willing to face my same-sex attraction head-on. I swept it under the rug and thought everything is fine. Thankfully, through examples of other faithful gay men, I was able to carefully unpack my emotions and bring them closer to reality.

To call one of those men same-sex attracted many, if not most people would find preposterous. He is Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

#23 Proper way of changing a true church is through spiritual means, not political activism

I’m sure that there are quite a few gay Mormons – active, inactive or out of the church altogether – who wonder what if anything they can do to influence church policies and church leaders. I ended my previous post on the doctrine with a question how the principles preached by Church leaders are established and is there anything that rank-and-file members can do to initiate their establishment or change?

In other words, is it possible that we can do something, so that same-sex attraction is discussed more openly within the church and that gay relationships are tolerated or even accepted?

Well, before anything, let me say that the Mormon church is not a democratic, political organization, with primaries and platforms to vote upon. (I’m thankful to God for that!) Thus political activism that promotes gay issues and gay rights in order to influence church policies is not a proper way to go. Maybe that is a way to go for non-members, but if a member desires to undertake that route, it may not be a bad idea that he first withdraws from the church membership. And I’m not saying this in a judgmental way, it is just a reality of life.

#22 Have I really overcome my same-sex attraction to the point of no return to an alternative gay lifestyle?

I’m sorry guys. I can’t help myself but to feel very invigorated, excited, animated, stirred, stimulated with my same-sex attraction. I like to write for my blog very much. I’m so into it that someone can become suspicious, particularly my wife. “Has he really overcome it to the point where he would never reconsider his decision to pursue a mixed-orientation marriage gay lifestyle?”

An interesting question. Well, I hope you won’t get me wrong if I say that I keep reconsidering it every single day. Sometimes even more than once. This is to be expected. Why? Because I keep experiencing same-sex attraction every single day.

However, I do my every day (re)considerations in a particular way. In times without distress, I keep finding good reasons why I should remain in a mixed-orientation relationship and I piling them up at one place. I also keep finding reasons why I should not pursue a homosexual relationship and piling them up nearby. And finally, every once in a while – as I am hit by a powerful crush on a guy or any other adversary – I ask myself a simple question: “Do I really want to start pursuing my homosexual desires by starting a hard work of unhoarding all those reasons?” Since I am a terribly lazy person, my answer is resounding “No!”.

#21 I’m willing to enter into flame wars if necessary by opposing state sanctioned gay marriages

Political incorrectness is my passion. There is nothing sweeter or more satisfying than to administer a political insult to otherwise politically prudish individual.

And in the area of homosexuality, there is plenty of opportunity to do that, which is an additional reason why I actually like to write a blog. I haven’t done it much thus far, but maybe it is time to begin.

Besides being delightful, political slanders may boost visits. People like heated debates. So, I decided to create a separate category within this blog, in which I will publish posts with flamable themes. The category I named “Flame Wars”.

So here it is. The first installment of Flame Wars is about gay marriages.

#20 My wife and I organized an SSA conference for ourselves after midnight, as vampires awake

There is no such thing as same-sex attraction conference on faith – like the one organized by AMCAP in Salt Lake City couple of weeks ago – within a parameter of about six thousand miles from where I live. So, I had to organize one by myself, which I did yesterday, at and around midnight. My wife and I are typically not in a mood to discuss issues of life until vampires wake up, and then it takes us greater part of the night to make some meaningful conclusions.

The conference attendance was meager, there was only two of us and our newborn who found it so boring that she overslept the entire event. It was obvious that the conference was necessary, since some tensions in our relationship have been building up in the past couple of weeks, nothing seemingly serious, but inconvenient enough not pass it by.

The main issue was whether I have started to close myself – again – towards my wife in an attempt to process my same-sex attraction all by myself. The theme of our little conference was very proper, I thought, because it was pretty much exactly what I was doing.

#19 The topic of my today’s post is rather entertaining, although some people find it deeply disturbing

I actively participate in an on-line community of members of the Mormon church – both young and old – who strive to be faithful to the Gospel while experiencing same-sex attraction. It is quite a diverse group of people, rather open minded and generally fun to associate with. If you are interested, you can check the requirements for joining the group here.

In the group, we discuss various topics, sometimes more serious, other times less. Although I find the topic of my today’s blog post rather flippant, rest assured that some of my fellow same-sex attracted sojourners consider it deadly serious. What’s the topic? I will be writing today about dreams with the sexual content.

#18 There is a shift in the attitude towards homosexuals within the Mormon community, but it’s not doctrinal

A few days ago, the LDS church launched a brand new web site “Mormons and Gays”. It is a seminal event in the gay Mormon community. At the time of it’s launch – which was Thursday, December 6th, 2012 – it was my turn to prepare a text and publish it the very next day on the North Star’s Northern Lights blog.

For those who don’t know, North Star is a grassroots organization whose members approach homosexuality from various places, but with one common thread: we want to live our lives in accordance to the teachings of the LDS church. Northern Lights blog is a place where voices of those who agree with the North Star’s mission statement regularly publish their individual views on the issue.

#17 My emotions make me vulnerable, and that is a birthplace of innovation, creativity and change

When a man becomes aware of his same-sex attraction, it is almost universally a distressing realization. People tend not to like being sexually attracted to members of the same gender. Initially, a gay person can’t believe what is happening to him. As the reality of of the attraction sinks in, the person feels broken or a mistake or a failure, as if he is to blame for the feelings.

That is exactly what happened to me. When I had a first crush ever on my very close male friend at the age of 16, I was at first resolutely unwilling to admit that I indeed had a crush on a guy. At one point, I had a strong emotion of being in love, but because of a denial, I didn’t know towards whom I felt it. So, in a brief moment, I had a feeling at hand but I wasn’t able to locate a person that caused it. It was definitely the most surreal experience of my entire life.

#16 Unfortunately, my same-sex attraction does not make sense from a narrow, sexual perspective

There are some facts about my sexuality that I find troubling, but I have to live with it and make sense of it. I find it unfortunate that from a narrow, sexual perspective, my strong homosexual feelings do not make sense. I say “unfortunate” not because I think my feelings should be somehow, by a twist of logic, turned into something sensical, since that’s impossible. Instead, I say “unfortunate” simply because my homosexual feelings are undeniable but at the same time they are from that narrow perspective useless.

That may be one of the reasons why people with same-sex attraction feel broken or like a failure or a mistake. It is all nice and dandy to think about having a boyfriend with whom I could have a deep personal and spiritual bond, but when it comes down to the basic, sexual level, there is no obvious, straightforward purpose in physical intimacy between two men or two women.

#15 Church leaders cannot speak about gay issues the way you and I can and should

I believe that the church leaders cannot talk about gay issues the way you and I can and should. If anyone thinks otherwise, he or she does not have realistic expectations.

That doesn’t mean leaders are insincere in their dealings with us or that they are hiding something that amounts to evil. If anyone thinks otherwise, he should engage ever more boldly in uncovering their awful wickedness. Anything less than that would, I’m afraid, amount to the level of insincerity of which they themselves accuse Church leaders.